time.

How is it already May 31st?

Wasn’t it just my birthday? (Thats March 17th, in case you were wondering or want to start counting down 😉 )

It seems with every change of the month or holiday we hear a “Can you believe its already…?”

It recently hit me that I’m halfway done with college. What?? It is kind of blowing my mind that I am a JUNIOR.

I have 1.5 ~ 2 years left here and I don’t want to waste one more second of it. Which is why I’m using these next three months to do absolutely nothing. I’ll watch netflix all day and get all my lazies out of the way before school starts.

That was a good one right?

I am constantly thinking about whats next. What will I do after school? What will I do next summer? What am I going to have for dinner? And it doesn’t stop when I reach the point I was thinking about. There will always be something better because it is made up in our heads to be perfect. We fantasize and create idealistic pictures that dance around and tell us that our present is not good enough. When we do that, the present will never be good enough.

I’ve allowed so much of my time to be stolen by thoughts. I miss out on the beautiful moment right in front of me because I’m thinking about how it could be different if I was ___.

California was a vacation. And what do you do on vacation? Whatever the heck you want! For me, that meant I could eat whatever I want. But for someone who has a tricky relationship with food, it messed up the rest of my experience a little bit. I was thinking about what “bad” food I would eat next, eat it, feel guilty, and then miss something because my mind was so wrapped up in this cycle of thoughts.

Theres no “on and off” switch for sin.  The same temptation and same sugary junk food is available here too. (Not saying eating a cookie is sin, but the mindset we take to it can be.) We can’t give in to whatever we want because we took a plane ride. Its a lit harder to turn something “off” then it was to turn “on”. Theres no on and off switch for thoughts that take things from us. But there is a way out.

Do you know Him? 😉

The last three months of this summer are going to be the kickstart for the rest of my life. (Cheesy I know). I’m laying this crazy mess down and filling up with the grace of Christ. Its not going to be easy, but it will be worth it. Oh, so worth it. I’m not willing to let wayward thoughts take any more time from me. We are only promised today, and I want to live each of them.

jumbled

hey look! I’m blogging!

After a wonderful week in California, things will return to the normal drawn out ponderings around here.

I feel like I have so much to say but nothing at all.

I want to tell you how  I’ve gotten a {better} grasp on all the things I was rambling about before I left, but really I don’t have anything “figured out”. They’re still all just jumbled thoughts, but they are thought through a different lens now.

I want to tell you about this book I’m reading that is just speaking straight and deep into my heart.

I want to tell you what I learned in California. What I learned on the four hour drive home. And what I learned about all these dogs.

But all these are still jumbled. So for now, I’ll just share some pictures with you.

rearranged

I know it was a whole two days ago, but remember that post where I said everything was peachy? It turned out not so much.

Something that seemed so good ended up being the complete opposite. And I was left to scramble at the last minute to find something else. Things like this happen all the time, to all sorts of people, but the truth remains- that His ways are higher than mine (Isaiah 55:9) and all things work together for the good of those who love Him. (Romans 8:28) Things may get messy, but thank goodness I’m not the one controlling it.

The good news is, it got worked out for while I’m gone and will hopefully lead to something better. And now I get to enjoy a whole week with my best friend in California!

I don’t know how much blogging Ill be doing because I left my computer at home, but I’ll be doing some updates!

I’m excited to get to Cali, but I also really love airports and flying. Something I hope to do a lot of in the future 😉

the silly things.

Can I just use this post to brag about my God for a moment?

I got myself into another situation of caring for a dog this week, something I said I wouldn’t do again. I guess I needed to learn that lesson one more time to really hit home, which I have. Don’t get me wrong, I still love love love animals and will have a huge farm where I can save all the animals I want one day, but thats much later. And even though helping these dogs is a good thing, I need to lay it down because it doesn’t fit in the path I feel God calling me.

Anywho…

I get stressed easily. I think the littlest thing is going to be my breaking point. And this week with the dog was no different. Especially since I’m leaving for California on Tuesday. I needed to figure out what I was doing and figure it out right then. I wanted to know what was going to happen, and I wanted it done as soon as possible. But I thought because I made such a mess of things, because I was stupid, because I said I wouldn’t do this again and then I did, and because I knew that this wasn’t something God wanted for me right now even though I desperately wanted it, that God was going to make it hard for me. I needed to really learn my lesson.

I got a hopeful email last night from a rescue saying they could help and to call in the morning. So after all these thoughts that I was going to be punished, I let myself hope. And when I did, I heard a reassurance.

I know God just giggles at me like a Daddy watching his little girl trying to stand up over and over again. “Here, sweetie,” He says, “let me help you. I want to see you stand.”

Even though we mess up, over and over again, and make the same stupid mistakes, God is not out to get us. He wants to work things out for us, He wants us to hope. Even if its something as trivial as finding a dog a home, He knows how much we care, and He cares. He’s not out to make things hard on us, He’s out to show us His love, over and over again.

And then, to watch us stand.

God not only provided a home for the dog, but He made it work out so flawlessly. I know the whole situation sounds silly, but my point is that no matter how silly it seems, God cares about it because He cares about us, because He loves us and every silly thing that comes with us.

juked.

Jon Acuff from Stuff Christians Like has a saying.

You know when people get all spiritual about something that wasn’t and make you feel like you need to be a better Christian? -Jesus Juked.

Like this:

“I read this really awesome six-part series. It was so good, it only took me two days to finish!”

“Wow, that must have taken a lot of time. What do you think would happen if we devoted that amount of time to our faith?”

-Jesus Juked

I Jesus jukes myself today.

On a couple things.

I’ve been praying all day (not like kneeling at my bed prayer, but popcorn prayers throughout the day) about getting this dog I’m fostering a more permanent situation before I leave for California. I emailed a TON of rescues, so if you wouldn’t mind, please pray something works out 😉 If it doesn’t it will be fine, but it would just be better.

I’ve been praying so much about this because it affects me directly, but how often do I widen my scope to the things that need far much more prayer? How often to I seek out the things on God’s heart and mind, instead of just what is on mine?

-Jesus Juke

How much time to do I devote to thinking about what I should and shouldn’t eat? About what I look like and what people are thinking about me? All this time I could be devoting to shifting my focus above and around, to the things that really matter.

-Jesus Juke, but true.

We all get caught up in our daily lives, and God is and wants to be intimately involved in them, but He also wants us to focus on the things on His heart. Its a balance. Sometimes it leans toward one thing, but it should always level out.

Right now, its leaning towards finding the puppy a home, but it will balance back out. 🙂

here, again.

Yesterday was a low day.

I didn’t want to whine anymore, so I didn’t post.

I ate carbs and sugar all day and felt like crappola. When I feel bad about myself, I just shut down. And then I think of how many times I’ve failed, how many times I say I’m going to change, really change, and then here I am- again. Yesterday was “my last day” eating sugar, so I had to indulge, right? You want to know how many “last days” I’ve had? Ha.

I made a plan. (I’ve made a lot of plans). I always make them when I want to change. And this morning (more like 11:00) I woke up knowing that it was time. Time to walk out what I wrote down.

My friend and I made a running plan for over the summer. I’ve been slacking. And this morning (11:30) I did NOT want to run. Planning to use the heat as an excuse, I took the dog out and realized it was over cast. Great, now I have no excuse. So I got dressed and went. Why does running have to be so hard to start, but so wonderful once you’re out there? GAH.

Along my run/prayer time I kept feeling the word surrender.

Um, God, I don’t really need to surrender right now. I’ve done that before, so right now I just need peace about everything. I need You to take away all these thoughts and all this fear and all these expectations I feel I need to meet. I need You show me how to fix this. Just show me and I’ll fix it. I’ll make a plan. I’ll try really hard this time.

And then it made sense. I can’t have peace about anything or fix it when its in my control. He wants to take all those icky things away, but I’m holding on to them. I’m rearranging and disguising them so I can manage them a little better, but they will always come back and show their true colors. When that happens, I’m here again.

Towards the end of my run, a quote popped in my head. I don’t remember it exactly or where I heard it, but it talked about not thinking about what we can do for God, but just loving Him. He doesn’t want our laundry list of things we are going to do for Him, He just wants us. When we give all ourselves to Him, we will do more for Him than anything we had on our own agenda.

So I’m working on that surrender. But something I’m learning about that word, is that its a process. Each day, each moment, I surrender a little more, for the rest of my life. Its not going to be fixed with one prayer, but thats a perfect place to start. Each step is a step closer to Him, and thats where I want to be.

 

..really?

Have you ever done something and then been like “what THE EFF did I just do?!”

In my short twenty years here on this earth, I feel like I’ve said that a lot. Not because I’ve necessarily done anything terrible, but because I’m a worrier. I’m a people pleaser. I’m an analyzer. I’m a perfectionist. And this all piles up into a big ole batch of crazy.

I had another one of these moments when I said I would foster another dog this weekend. I was living alone for a week and I was weak. But I PROMISE NO MORE FOSTERING/ADOPTING/LOOKINGATPUPPIES/FOLLOWINGRESCUEGROUPSONFACEBOOK. really. My roommate is going to keep me accountable. really.

I’m having another one of those moments right now. Why THE EFF did I say I would be completely honest here? I don’t want to write anything right now. I just want to curl up with some Hulu, drink some tea, and wallow about how I’m feeling without telling anyone.

BUT, I won’t do that. Its going to be a little “thought vomit” style as my sister called it.

I can’t stop thinking. About the future and about dogs. (Seriously) But working through the thoughts is helping. I try and make a deeper meaning out of everything, so just stick with me here. I have trouble with community. I love it, and I need it, but theres like this wall whenever I try to reach out. It chokes me up and blocks me from digging deeper into better relationships. So instead of dealing with that, I’ve been trying to save dogs. The future is a little narrower with a dog. But as much I want that, I don’t. So I’m sticking with that promise up there. I promise. 😉

I got really upset at work today because I couldn’t take my break when I wanted. I’ve worked five days in a row of long shifts and someone called out today so I was stuck. I was hungry. I felt like I was being forgotten and the line of customers was never ending. So after six hours of cashiering without a break and without food, I was done. I didn’t know when they would pull me, and I almost cried. Not really, but kind of. I felt so silly and it made me think about how upset I get over super silly things. Moving on.

I’m going to cook a bunch this summer. Also, I’m going to get off sugar. FOR REAL. This may be another “WTF did I do” moment, but its a goal.  I came home all stressed from work and went right for the chocolate chips/peanut butter and other sugary junk that doesn’t help anything. I was going to run this evening. I was mad at myself. Moving on.

I’m going to try and get less frustrated with people. Its really easy to do at work. really easy. Especially one of my co-workers, who is younger than me and tries to tell me what to do. Learning to love everyone is no joke.

This summer is going to be a turning point. By the blood of the Lamb and the word of our testimony, everyone overcome. Including me.

Have you ever seen the segment on the weekend report with Seth Myers on SNL called “really?”? It might be my favorite thing ever.

And just a little PSA, I’m only blogging Mon-Fri which is why I didn’t blog over the weekend. 🙂

clean your room.

Do you remember those times when you reeeeeaaaaaaalllllllllllllllllly wanted to go to your friends house as a kid?

You didn’t go there often, but they had the COOLEST room. The kids who had been talked about it all the time.

“There’s like, a million things to do there! And her mom makes the best snacks. Oh you haven’t been? Well, its just THE BEST.”

So that one time you get invited over you get super excited. Finally, you will be able to talk about it with everyone. You’ll be able to say you’ve now experienced it ALL. Playing with the big dogs.

But it just so happens your room is a complete disaster. Your mom hates when bundled clothes are left on the dresser, and theres a big one. Your toy horses are sprawled out and cover most of the floor. Mismatched dirty socks lay amongst shoes that were dropped right in front of your door. It needs some real work.

You start getting ready to go to this super awesome house, practically bouncing around those toy horses with excitement. Then your mom walks in.

“You were suppose to clean this room last night. You know the rules. I’m sorry sweetie, but you’ll have to go over another time.”

Tears. Maybe a little screaming. Definitely throwing yourself on your bed and digging your face into the pillow.

Eventually you end your pity party and start to clean your room. You put all your clothes away, maybe trying a few on because you haven’t worn them in a while. You pick up your horses, but stop to play with them along the way. You forgot how much fun the toys in here are. You wash your socks. You make the bed. It takes a while, but it was worth it. You stand in front of your door, hands on your hips, and smile. Your mom walks in.

“Good work! Doesn’t that feel so much better?”

It does. You’re proud of your room. You love this home you’ve decorated and filled. This place you’ve grown in.

This longer than intended analogy came into my head on my run this evening. I’ve been praying and thinking about where I’m meant to be so much these past couple days (this whole past semester, really) and the more I do, the more I feel called to be here.

I had all these statistics prepared to start this post with about all the problems in this country, but I’m sure you already know them. We are a lost and broken people. Yes, we (the lost and broken) are all over the world, but I want to work on cleaning my room first. I’m not saying I won’t be moved to missions over seas which I still reeeeeaaaaaaalllllllllllllllllly want to do, but I know for now, I’m meant to be here.

For one of the top “Christian Nations” in the world, we have some work to do. I can get frustrated with the materialistic, sexaholic, addicted, money-hungry people around me, or I can live in this world but not of it. I can see that they are really just as lost as I was before I found Christ. I can be burdened with their hurt and their failed attempt to cope. I can deepen my roots and grow where I’m planted. I can grow and be proud of where I am, even though I’ll hear all about how amazing another place is. I can work here, hoping that when I’m done, I’ll enter into my eternal home to hear my Father say,

“Good work my daughter. You have been a faithful servant. Now come on in, doesn’t that feel so much better?”

;

whatever you do.

Therefore, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do everything for God’s glory. 

-1 Corinthians 10:31

And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God, the Father through Him. 

-Colossians 3:17

(3/17 is my birthday, coincidence? I think not 😉 )

Whatever you do, pour yourself into it. 

-Robert Mondavi

Today was a breath of fresh air, and I breathed it in.

I made some decisions, and I’m sticking with them.

I soaked up some peace in those decisions and the words above.

But its late and I will go more into all that tomorrow.

G’night!

❤ Hannah

 

 

glue.

I hate decisions.

I don’t want to make any big decisions that I will have to stick with. That I will have to answer to.

Decisions require confidence.

And that is both easy and incredibly complicated.

When I get all wrapped up in worry about what I’m going to do in the future, it stems from fear controlling my confidence.

I’m so thankful today that God does not change based on how I feel. His love and His plan doesn’t change for me just because I’m stressing out. God does not change because I am scared. God doesn’t leave us when we question everything about the future.

Instead, He wants to meet us in those situations. He wants to meet us when we can’t sleep because we’re thinking too much. He wants us to focus on where He has placed us right now, to pray about everything, and then to rest in the peace that He is sovereign. He wants us to do whatever we can, right here. He wants to build us up in the confidence that He gives. To remind us to we are His, and will be forever. To cast out fear. To make decisions and stick with them, knowing that we are making them in the confidence that He gives.

I don’t know what I will do in the future, but I’m starting to accept the peace that is in just living out today. And knowing that whatever I do, wherever I am, I will be walking it with Him.

He is the glue that puts me back together and holds me after I feel so torn.