So you know all those Bible verses about not worrying about the future? The ones that say today has its own trouble, were only promised today, yada-yada-yada? Those are the ones I struggle with the most.

Maybe its the college atmosphere with the “what-are-you-going-to-do-with-your-life” question looming overhead, but even the majority of college students don’t worry so much about that.

Maybe theres too much possibility. The possibility of traveling the world, of moving to a different country to live there and sharing Jesus, of volunteering on an organic farm, of picking a community in the US to teach and make that my mission field, or starting my own farm where I can write and read, adopt a bunch of kids, and rescue all the dogs I want. These are the thoughts that run and run through my head everyday. Who wants to choose for me?

You see, I think I want to do all of them. Not saying I can’t, but when I think about the future I’m split in two. One side of me wants to be this vagabond missionary who travels all the time and experiences all the cultures and beautiful people of this world. But that same side wants to scream in frustration at the disrespect and ignorance of people who go into these “Third World” countries trying to “help”. This post explains my feelings exactly. Its full of sarcasm, so it might sound offensive, but its got some truth to it. My global lit class this semester opened my eyes to so much about people and culture and I’m still working through everything. Theres got to be more to the Great Commission than spending a week each year in a different country passing out “Jesus loves you flyers” to come back just so we can be more grateful for what we have. I’m not trying to put down any short term mission trips, I think some are wonderful, but before we go into another culture, another person’s home, we need to look at our hearts. Are we going to really share Jesus, or are we going with a superior I-know-whats-best-for-you-because-I-grew-up-here attitude?

Sorry, that was a rant I didn’t intend to go on, but I did promise honesty here.

Then the other side. This side just wants to find a home somewhere in the US where I can impact kids though teaching. Where I can be a missionary to US, because people are just as lost here as they are in other countries. I want to help fix the food industry here and see people free of the ties this culture has created. Do I make a “home base” here and then just travel? Is this my mission field?

I’m so torn because I feel like there so much I have to do. I know about the families who survive on a dollar a day. I know about the children who walk around with cracked feet, begging for food, and about the little girl who is sold into slavery because her family needs food. I know about how screwed up the food industry is, about the animals who live in cages and the monopoly farming that controls everything. I know about the kids who grow up feeling worthless because nobody has ever shown them love. I know about all the dogs that need homes. I’m passionate and burdened about every one of these things. And I want to do it all.

Last night I was angry with God. I was mad that He was letting me feel so much pain for something that had nothing to do with me. I prayed for peace and wisdom so desperately. I didn’t feel a rush of calm or see a rainbow this morning, but He did change my mind. I’d rather feel so strongly about all this, than not care. I’d rather wake up with crusty eyes from dried tears than go on in my own little bubble. Whoever said that a life with Jesus is all smiles and warm fuzzes, did not know my Jesus. He was, is, and always will be for the broken, for the slave, for the prostitute, for the murderer, for the orphan, for the addict, for the liar, for the thief, for me, and for you.

Life with Jesus is being burdened by all the pain and injustice of the world, but more so its the equipping with the love and compassion to cover it all, and call us into action.


3 thoughts on “torn.

  1. You have the eyes and heart of our Savior. He will show you what you are to do and where you are to do it! Wait on Him, and while you are waiting, keep doing what you are doing. You are right where He wants you.

    Love you,

  2. Hannah…you can do it all…maybe not all at the SAME TIME, though! Don’t let the boundaries of being “realistic” keep you from doing everything He wants for you. Dream big dreams!

  3. Pingback: broken to action. « honestly here

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