here, again.

Yesterday was a low day.

I didn’t want to whine anymore, so I didn’t post.

I ate carbs and sugar all day and felt like crappola. When I feel bad about myself, I just shut down. And then I think of how many times I’ve failed, how many times I say I’m going to change, really change, and then here I am- again. Yesterday was “my last day” eating sugar, so I had to indulge, right? You want to know how many “last days” I’ve had? Ha.

I made a plan. (I’ve made a lot of plans). I always make them when I want to change. And this morning (more like 11:00) I woke up knowing that it was time. Time to walk out what I wrote down.

My friend and I made a running plan for over the summer. I’ve been slacking. And this morning (11:30) I did NOT want to run. Planning to use the heat as an excuse, I took the dog out and realized it was over cast. Great, now I have no excuse. So I got dressed and went. Why does running have to be so hard to start, but so wonderful once you’re out there? GAH.

Along my run/prayer time I kept feeling the word surrender.

Um, God, I don’t really need to surrender right now. I’ve done that before, so right now I just need peace about everything. I need You to take away all these thoughts and all this fear and all these expectations I feel I need to meet. I need You show me how to fix this. Just show me and I’ll fix it. I’ll make a plan. I’ll try really hard this time.

And then it made sense. I can’t have peace about anything or fix it when its in my control. He wants to take all those icky things away, but I’m holding on to them. I’m rearranging and disguising them so I can manage them a little better, but they will always come back and show their true colors. When that happens, I’m here again.

Towards the end of my run, a quote popped in my head. I don’t remember it exactly or where I heard it, but it talked about not thinking about what we can do for God, but just loving Him. He doesn’t want our laundry list of things we are going to do for Him, He just wants us. When we give all ourselves to Him, we will do more for Him than anything we had on our own agenda.

So I’m working on that surrender. But something I’m learning about that word, is that its a process. Each day, each moment, I surrender a little more, for the rest of my life. Its not going to be fixed with one prayer, but thats a perfect place to start. Each step is a step closer to Him, and thats where I want to be.

 

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