days ?-25 : breath

Its like a deep breath.

A reminder that you are here for something. That these things you feel, these thoughts you have, they can be something wonderful. You have them for a reason. It might be a moment of joy or excitement thinking about all there is “out there”, all that could happen. It might be a picture of people helping others. It might a dream or a song that stirs up something deeper. But it happens. In a moment of day dreaming or a second of trailing thoughts, something flicks inside of you.

Today its the leaves changing colors, the rolling hills. Its the farm full of animals that I could stay at forever. Its family that welcomes you and gives a sense of being at home, without really being at home. Its a person in class saying they value you as a writer. 

Its knowing that the Lord is not done with me yet. That He has bigger things (which are most likely found in the small things) than I have yet to find. That he is healing me, one breath at a time.

Advertisements

day 18: asterisk

When I said I was going to do this blogging for 31 days straight thing, I should have put an asterisk at the end of that. So here it is.
*I will probably not get in every single day. There’s grace. I’m calling on it.
The good girl in me needs to give you an explanation and do something because I said I would. So this is going to have to suffice.
Maybe I’ll be back tomorrow, until then I’m enjoying this good day that The Lord has made!

day 17: the pursuit

We talked about His love last night at community group and falling recklessly in love with Jesus everyday. Making it a point to acknowledge how we are falling in love with Him, recognizing the action and allowing it to sink in.

I think sometimes what I will be like when I (finally) enter in to a relationship. I wonder if he will have to pursue me all the more because of those walls and the Lord will use that to show me more of his Love. I wonder if I’ll learn more about how to be open and honest and confident through the pursuit. It’s a silly thought though.

Image

I know a relationship won’t fix those things, but it’s so easy to think something we don’t have will. I know the Lord has the timing all planned out for those things, but my mind wanders.

Timing is such a pesky thing to think about. So I won’t.

Today I will acknowledge that I have a Lord who is already pursuing me, who is showing me His love through the pursuit. He doesn’t need to involve a third party, He gives it straight from the source.

Today I will notice me falling in Love with Jesus as I feel His pursuit. I will let that open me up, give me confidence, and stand boldly in the healing He has called me to.

days 15 &16: walls

I have so much I want to tell you. But I can’t.

I want to tell you that I think you’re wonderful. That I think we could be really good friends. Maybe we should grab some coffee, or just sit outside sometime. I would love to enter in to this community thing with you. We could talk about Jesus and what He’s doing in our lives, or what we’re waiting on Him to do. We could challenge each other and keep each other accountable to the things that convict us in the most loving of ways. We could make each other sharp. We could make each other feel like the lovely sisters of Christ that we are.

I want to tell you exactly how I’m feeling and I want you to feel comfortable doing the same. I want drop the guise and the pretenses of what we think friendships and community should look like. I want to make you feel valued and loved no matter what you are walking through. I want you to know that I can help, that I want to help, that me helping you will help me.

I want to pray for you. I want to drop the worry or discomfort of what you are thinking of me and just be a friend, be a sister.

I want to grow with you, grow deeper in friendship and deeper in Christ, knowing that His love casts out all fear. And without fear, there are true relationships.

But I get stuck. I put up my wall of fear and worry about what you are thinking of me, if I’m doing too much, too little. Am I talking too much about Jesus, or not enough? Am I funny enough? People seem to like that. Do I look like I could be your friend? Do you like what I’m wearing?

I put up these walls over and over. I’m insecure and worried about what others are thinking. I hide from community when its exactly what I need.

But I know theres hope. I know that His love casts out all fear, that I am whole and complete and mostly, HIS. I know that He is there with me and wants to break through those walls to bring me into His healing. It takes time, it takes prayer, but there is Hope. There is deep, deep healing so those walls never have to go up again.

 

days 13 & 14

hey ya friends.

Sorry for not posting this weekend. Blogging everyday is harrrrrd.

And so was work. There were a bajillion coupons going on and everyone was mean and I had long shifts and people were mean and it took a lot not to cry in front of those mean people.

So now if you’ll excuse me while I slip into bed and do a lil crocheting with my old lady self.

Hope everyone had an awesome weekend with minimal to no mean people! 🙂

p.s. -be nice to customer service. I know you want free stuff (which by the way is FREE and you are getting something FOR FREE) but they are people too.

day 12: engage

On the way there I think of all the things I could talk about. I’ll line up the good for the moments of praise and the bad for the moments meant for deep conversation. But that thing, I’ll talk about that another time. Besides, I’m trying not to think about it too much anyway.

I’ve gotten really good at this. Making conversation, but not really doing it. I can come up with things to say, but it will be calculated to reveal just enough. I’ll know it was enough by your nod and smile and it will end there. Move on to the next.

I barely knew her and she told me exactly how it was in that moment. I just asked her how she was, that was normal right? But she let me know, she brought me into her world for more than the two second answer we normally give. I still remember that short conversation. I want to be like that.

Its easy to ignore the icky stuff. Its easy to believe no one cares about it anyway. Its easy to tell ourselves we should not be wasting time thinking about it. Besides, thinking about it too much is scary. Trying to walk through those thoughts is uncharted territory I’m not sure I’m willing to dive into.

But we must.

I must.

I want to push in to the hard questions even though I’m terrified and unsure. I want to lean in to the walls I’ve put up around thoughts and feelings I didn’t think I could handle feeling, or wasn’t suppose to be having. I want to push until they break. Because this, this is just another form of silence. Its silence within us, telling us we should just cover that up. But because of the beautiful cross and the grace of Jesus we are able to lay everything on the table. We are able to face those emotions and thoughts we thought we needed to bury because we can cover them in Truth. We can know that through Jesus, He can renew our minds and draw those thoughts toward love and joy and peace.

Don’t be afraid to engage. We push in and walk through it, because we know there is healing in it, because there is Jesus.

day eleven: refuge

I needed this reminder today.

He is a refuge. We can sit in His word and find strength. We can come to Him, close our eyes, and pour our hearts out at His throne. He’s ready to pick up the pieces.

20121011-123524.jpg

day ten: thoughts

I’m a day dreamer, a drifter.

I’ll be in class or at work and just drift away, somehow ending up on a thought that I have no idea how I got to.

Sometimes I think too much. You know, the “what if” game. I’ll let a circumstance run over and over again in my head, thinking off all the different ways it could have happened or what each thing that did happen means. It gets a little messy in there.

I could probably think about something all day long. I’ve done it before with food. I’ll think about what I’m going to do after college, what I’m doing in college, and then just day dream about what I hope those things will look like. Its easy to drift. And usually, when I;m thinking about something so much, I can’t create space for God to move in them. I can’t soak in the Word, because I’m too preoccupied with “stuff”.

Last night at community group we talked about Romans 12:1-2 and how important our thoughts are. Usually what we are thinking about the most, is what we are worshiping. Do I think about the Lord the most? No. Am I keeping His Word above all other thoughts, allowing it to take authority over the drifting? Not most of the time.

My thoughts are where I get in trouble- the judgements, the world-views, what I dwell on too much. All these things take up the space the Lord wants to fill, the space that brings healing. When we’re intentional with our thoughts by dwelling on Him, He brings in the Holy Spirit, and where He is, there is Healing.

“Do not be conformed to this age, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may discern what is the good, pleasing, and perfect will of God.”

Romans 12:2

day nine: to lay down

I’m a good rule follower. And I’m bad at lying about it. You’ll know because I’m laughing, or hiding. (Usually the first)

My dad was holding a half eaten slice of cheese and my brothers and I were standing in a line. “So, who did it?” He asked, holding the cheese wrapper between his fingers.

I didn’t do it. At least, I don’t think I did. But I laughed anyway and my dad thought I did. I just kept laughing.

Memories like this pop in and out of my head, times I did something wrong or even just had the feeling of doing something wrong, and I laugh or hide. I like following rules. I like feeling “on top of things” and checking things off my to-do list.

But healing doesn’t come through a to-do list.

 

Healing doesn’t come in good report cards or a full schedule. Healing comes in surrender, in laying down the very things that we think define us. We must lay down the law, the idea and picture of what “good” looks like, the rules we’ve created in our heads, how others tell us to live. We must lay down our desires, even the desire for healing. We die to ourselves, through Christ. our old bodies don’t need healing anymore, they are dead.

We surrender, we lay down, we die. We arise in Christ and allow Him to cover us in grace, knowing the law has no affect on these new bodies. We walk in that surrender and that newness, each day. This is where we are healed.

“I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me. I do not set aside the grace of God, for if righteousness comes through the law, then Christ died for nothing.” 

Galatians 2: 19-21

day eight: forming the conversation

Here’s why I blog- I know there are others out there.

I know there are others who struggle with having a healthy relationship with food, while also being healthy.

I know other people fight between using food for fuel and something it was not intended for.

Besides the fact that it also helps me in the process, I write so we can bring this issue to table. Because we need to. We as a culture, but more importantly, we as Believers.

My church is doing a series right now called “Trending” where we talk about big issues “the church” needs to address. The pastor discussed how so many times Christians shy away from hard topics of sexuality, health, drugs, politics, etc.. But he believes (and so do I) that we as Believers should be the ones forming the conversation on these topics. We do have the Word of God after all.

I’ve shied away from talking about big things “cultural” things that I didn’t think mattered since I was a Christian. Boy, was I wrong.

The rising obesity rate? The fact that this generation of children are expected to live 5 years less than the previous one. 5 YEARS. The fact that girls (and guys) are hiding themselves in food, trying to use it to fill a space in their heart. The fact that people are dying due to diseases that are 100 percent preventable. I could go on, but the point is these things are on God’s heart.

We are called to be in the world, not of it. We are called to speak Truth into darkness. We are called to be a city on a hill, shining for the whole world to see. We can’t shy away from big, scary, “worldly” issues anymore. We have to form the conversation. Because that, kind of like I said before, is the first step to healing. And we, as Believers, can show the way to true healing, only in the Lord.