I have so much I want to tell you. But I can’t.
I want to tell you that I think you’re wonderful. That I think we could be really good friends. Maybe we should grab some coffee, or just sit outside sometime. I would love to enter in to this community thing with you. We could talk about Jesus and what He’s doing in our lives, or what we’re waiting on Him to do. We could challenge each other and keep each other accountable to the things that convict us in the most loving of ways. We could make each other sharp. We could make each other feel like the lovely sisters of Christ that we are.
I want to tell you exactly how I’m feeling and I want you to feel comfortable doing the same. I want drop the guise and the pretenses of what we think friendships and community should look like. I want to make you feel valued and loved no matter what you are walking through. I want you to know that I can help, that I want to help, that me helping you will help me.
I want to pray for you. I want to drop the worry or discomfort of what you are thinking of me and just be a friend, be a sister.
I want to grow with you, grow deeper in friendship and deeper in Christ, knowing that His love casts out all fear. And without fear, there are true relationships.
But I get stuck. I put up my wall of fear and worry about what you are thinking of me, if I’m doing too much, too little. Am I talking too much about Jesus, or not enough? Am I funny enough? People seem to like that. Do I look like I could be your friend? Do you like what I’m wearing?
I put up these walls over and over. I’m insecure and worried about what others are thinking. I hide from community when its exactly what I need.
But I know theres hope. I know that His love casts out all fear, that I am whole and complete and mostly, HIS. I know that He is there with me and wants to break through those walls to bring me into His healing. It takes time, it takes prayer, but there is Hope. There is deep, deep healing so those walls never have to go up again.