The last two days we went back to hoeing dirt, and it was hard work, but I wouldn’t say I was as uncomfortable as when I danced with grandpas at the “grandpa house.” I have never really danced with a guy my own age, so when 75-year-old Oscar held out his hand and started moving his hips faster than I could follow, I was a little uncomfortable to say the least. The live band playing a gigantic xylophone played for a couple hours and by the end I wouldn’t say I would want to dance with a bunch of grandpas again, but I did have a new friend (One who would give me a picture of a horse and draw a picture of me, but that’s another story).
Later on in the week, after good conversation and coffee during one of our breaks, we went to the hospital to help feed the cerebral palsy patients. While we were waiting for the meals to be ready, my leader Roni asked if I had a hard time feeling comfortable around everyone. I do, but I thought I was doing a pretty good job of hiding it. Its not that I’m not forming beautiful relationships and loving this community, its just hard to open what I’ve worked so hard to keep shut.
There are a lot of girls on this trip, so boy talk is inevitable. We talk about marriage and being pursued, so it’s easy to let my mind wander. It’s easy to be reminded that I have never had that, and slip into wondering if I will. Rather than sitting in the question of “if”, I would rather shut that part of my heart down. I would rather hide the part of my heart that longs to be pursued, trying to believe I don’t need that from any guy, including Jesus.
When I came to Jesus, asking why I had such a hard time feeling comfortable around people, I was confused when He asked me to let Him romance me. How does that have anything to do with my relationships in community? He showed me how hiding that part of my heart from Him, keeps me from fully opening up to anyone. If I’m working so hard to hide from Jesus, who already sees all my heart, how much harder am I trying to hide from others?
Jesus is holding out His hand, asking me to dance. I can come to Him timidly and uncomfortable, but He doesn’t care because He just wants to dance with me. He wants me to open up in His arms, push through the discomfort, and open up my heart to His beautiful romance. Then I can know that I am His beloved, and in that security, know I can open up all my heart to Him and everyone else.