still, expecting

At training camp, they told us to toss out all expectations. Left unmet leaves us still seeking, unsatisfied in where we are. I thought I didn’t have many. Easy surrender because I thought I was open to anything. 

That was before two weeks into the trip and I’m standing in the middle of a dirt field with a hoe and they keep saying we have to do the whole thing. The second morning of all day hoeing, I realized I didn’t do as good of a job surrendering as I thought. 

With each sling of the hoe, I let the frustration grow. How is hoeing a field ministry? How is this furthering God’s kingdom? I came to love people, not dirt. 

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A good part of my team were feeling the same. By the second week, we expected to be making progress, seeing fruit in relationships, seeing something. Instead, we were clearing a field, still unsure of what our ministries would look like for the rest of the trip. Instead, we were too lost in our frustration, blinded by unmet expectations to see the cleared field in front of us, ready to provide jobs for workers, ready for fruit. 

When I stood in the field, I knew I needed The Lord to change and my heart, and I knew He could, I just had to be open. After lunch, I walked over to one of my teammates, Stephanie, who I know the Lord used to encourage me just when I needed it. It was simple conversation, but in that specific time we grew closer, and we were both uplifted. Without that field, I wouldn’t have had to think about hard questions, frustrations. I wouldn’t have left feeling so loved by God that He would care enough to encourage and lift me up.

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From that day in the field and all throughout the weekend, I’ve had to continue to lay down expectations. I’ve had to accept that I won’t know what the rest of this trip will look like, and sometimes even what the day will look like. I’m learning that I have to be still in uncertainty, knowing that then I have to rely on the Lord, that His plan will always be better than mine. 

I’m learning that the only thing I should expect is what God has for that time. In everything else, I have to be still with God, putting all my emotions in Him so I can be fully present in this time. Whether I’m hoeing a field, holding hands with cerebral palsy patients (which is what I did today), or sharing Jesus with someone, if I listen I know it will be what God has for that moment. In this, I can be still and expecting only Him. 

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3 thoughts on “still, expecting

  1. We should always expect Him to be the BIG God He is an to show Himself in way’s we can’t imagine, but the older I get, I see His Big ways are always surprisingly in the details, which often means small things… Swinging a hoe, lifting a person’s luggage into/out of the overhead bin, picking up something someone’s dropped… The look of appreciation and gratitude in someone else’s eyes is all the further we really need to look for His approval!

    Like I said in the email… I am so proud of you for what you are doing and the difference you are making in the lives of the people you are touching reaching (through every swing of that hoe, and hold of the hand)! You are being His hands, feet, voice, chain-breaker! Remember that fruit takes time to grow! 🙂

    I Love you daughter of the Creature of all that is!
    Dad

  2. When I think of our times in Honduras, I remember how you said you wished we more – not sure how you said it – more intentional in spreading the gospel. I see now that you are understanding that simply being and doing in the name of God and as God has planned is enough. I continue to be so proud, delighted, astonished in all you’re doing. You are so precious and so o o o loved.
    Gramma

  3. Dear Hannah,
    I left a comment last night but may not have posted it correctly as I don’t see it today. I am so proud of you and the path you have chosen. You say your life is changing; that is true, but you are also changing many other lives. Sharing the faith and love of The Lord will open endless possibilities for those you meet.
    I look forward to your next blog and continue to pray for you and your team.
    Love and blessings from Granda Pam and Grandpa David

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