Not failure.

At my bridal shower last week, there were a couple people (family will always be the best!) who asked me if I ever thought about writing again. I hadn’t, but the thought of doing so everyday with the fast made me excited. I didn’t realize I missed it until I started again. I have learned so much about myself, my faith, and relationships through writing and if anything, I know this is a time to be learning as much as I can about all of those things.

Yesterday, I saw a quote from Bob Goff and quickly scribbled it on an index card before the first graders piled in. He said, “God isn’t surprised when we fail, He’s surprised when we quit. We’re not our successes or failures, we’re His.” It was on my time hop app, something I retweeted three years ago. God doesn’t care or love me less if I try to start a Daniel Fast and “fail” a million times over, but He does care about my heart. He cares if I quit because He knows my heart and He knows what is best for me. I also think he has hopes for me. What a thought- that the God who surrounds time, has hopes for me, not a plan that I have to worry about following, just hopes because He loves.

Psalm 24 says, “Who shall ascent the hill of the Lord? And who shall stand in His holy place? He who has clean hands and a pure heart, who does not life up his soul to what is false and who does not swear deceitfully.”

What I am focused on during this time is the condition of my heart- asking why I am doing something, or what I am really trying to satisfy. Is is false idols and temporary things? Is it lies about myself or my worth that I’ve believed even for a moment? I want to wade through all of these questions and allow Jesus to fill all of them. He is the clean hands and pure heart.

I’m not scared of failing, which I definitely wouldn’t call this “fast” a success (yet!), but I won’t quit. I won’t stop trying and keep being willing to face hard truths. I won’t stop writing and getting back to Scripture to lead me through it.

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